My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
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WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
This hospital has everything
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.