I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
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Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Help Wanted
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job