If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
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[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
The Onion called it…again.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Whoa 😂
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
the Monday after daylight savings
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
@ candidates for local office
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”