If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
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My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.