“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
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Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing