Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
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I think this cat is broken
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.