🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
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HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
the chicken was already gone when I got here