[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
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My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.