I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
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Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.