The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
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*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack