When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
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8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
He a real one for that
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My time has come.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate