Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
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My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.