A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
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Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Smooooooth
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
*me flirting
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.