I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
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There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!