I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer