The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
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i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.