“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
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That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
very niche meme I made
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.