Give a baker flours on your first date.
You Might Also Like
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.