Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
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I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“You’d better run, egg!”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.