being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
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If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
BaD BoY!!
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea