As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
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A great tip. #CakeRex
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.