Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
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ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.