Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
You Might Also Like
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
How to properly lift a body