12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
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My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
it must be school picture day
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.