[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
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I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it