I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
You Might Also Like
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
How I like cutting carbs
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!