The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
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I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.