We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
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It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
pls suprot
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao