When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
You Might Also Like
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache