Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
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Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.