Google assistant rules
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Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Succinctly put.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”