Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.