“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
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I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave