Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.