When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
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I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!