Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
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[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
me adding lol on a serious message
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.