A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
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DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!