me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
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My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
all bases covered
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Generation gap…
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
The future is now.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.