*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
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Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.