Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
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[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Incredible customer service.
Cndnsd Mlk
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.