I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
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I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
christening a ship with an overripe banana
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People: