i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
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Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.