I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
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Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?