*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it