One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
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9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I feel this so hard
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Mhm.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.