Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
You Might Also Like
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Oh thanks BBC.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy