Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
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Many hands make light work
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
At least my masseuse has my back.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet