The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
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WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.