*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave