The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
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*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Leonardo DiCaprisun